The hardest thing in the world..

The hardest thing about letting go, is always the letting go itself. In life, I will not deny that we have to leave certain things behind just to move forward. It really hurts. I'm really sick of all these advancements. You advance, start on your advancement, then later stop on what you're doing and then move on again. What's the point?

School's great!

After the mentally draining 7 weeks long holidays, I'm finally back in school. Amen~ However it seems much to the fact that I really really hated my timetable. So much breaks in between... I wonder where have my strong faith disappear to. It seems that my will gets weaker by the day. I couldn't get a hold of myself even after a prayer. The only thing that seems to work is only keeping myself preoccupied. However, if this keeps up, I might just cutting myself again.. I really developed a strong taste for seeing blood in the past 2 days..

My guardian! Go forth!

A few days have passed since my birthday. Truly, I have grown older, kudos to physical attributes anyway. Psychologically, I still feel as vulnerable as a 3 years old kid does. A journey of finding my true self had revealed things to me that I already knew but forgotten. Alas, I realised the factor that sought my memories of self-conscious to be erase. The hurt that wrenched pain true into my heart and into the very fine lines of my soul.

I acknowledged the fact that our acquaintances would only last for a short 7 months. Yet, in my heart, I’ve known for a fact that you are the only true friend that I can ever have. Yes, for you are my brother. Happiness surged with the bitter bubbles of dread as you have acknowledged me, for I have much anticipated the dreaded future. Truth can be predicted if one can embrace the maledictions and negativity in life. I was one made to be such. Scorn was my way of life, being cynical was like breathing, and pessimism was simply the truth. All were true, until the day I met you. I would say that initially I had a distaste for you. The stronger me back then, saw you as someone pathetic, as a miserable scholar without control with his emotions, as a technical failure in life.

I had a goal, that is to achieve my diploma and being able to enter biomedical science. Of all things, why biomedical science? I am a practical person. I have carried a façade of being clear-minded with a good goal for too long a time. Frankly as to speak, my decision to enter biomedical science during my university days was simply because of my strong desire to live a high life. I always had the capabilities to lead, the capabilities to get things done and often accountable. Yet, since young, I’ve already seen through the disgusting truth about adults and their way of politics.

It doesn’t matter whether you have the capabilities of a great leader or not, one thing is definite for sure, you are GOD when you hold power. I often shine in my primary school days back when I was in Boon Keng. However, my achievements were often ignored. A daughter of the School’s Director, a wonderful and pure maiden, so talented, so intelligent was often the crux of the teachers’ conversation. I was often on par with her. We so constantly alternate the top two positions in class. Yet, I am often ignored. Why?

Truth dawned on me when I was in my primary 4. A stray conversation caught my attention. “…Of course what, she’s the director’s daughter, of course will get anything la!” In order to gain due recognition, I must first attain the power. Since on, I often befriended myself to figures of authorities. Backing myself up by someone of adequate power, it’s just one strategy. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t just stop there. I often backstab people just to achieve my ultimate goals. It’s the same thing I did to get myself out of troubles.

Since then, I’ve sold my soul to the dark lord and manipulated hearts of many as a capable yet “easy to bully” fat kid. Things began to change for me since I entered my secondary 1 year. Life began to taste sweeter, when I met my first buddy. Yup, you’ve guessed it, it’s –hy– (tada~). His ability to stay strong in his righteous beliefs kept me in awe. Quiet and reserved, I initially thought that I can make him my lackey (-hy- so sorry!). Still, when I got to know him better, realisation began to dawn me. So what if I am being ignored all the time? So what if I do not get power and the gold? He sparked the hidden angel within in me, the inner man whom wished to treasure and enjoy life without restriction. For the first time in a long while, I had finally smile without hiding my true feelings.

Ah yes, -hy- was the first who opened my enclosed heart. Technically as to speak, he was the first knight. The very saviour I’ve met. My knight, my confidante and my adviser.

Yet, he wasn’t as unique as the one who opened my heart thoroughly and freed the true one within me. To the one who truly opened me up, thank you. Though I’m unable to let go of this past and all of it’s memories. I’m still grateful, grateful for having you acknowledging me as a brother, as an equal. For he is the one who proves me wrong in all aspects of life I thought otherwise.

Go forth my guardian! Ride the winds and soar! Be one with the sky and blast your way through the obstacles in life. For you are the Albatross, flying high and mighty above the sea. Through the storm, you’ll find the peace in the lands and the joy of abundance!

My very first video!

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Why is it so easy to be misunderstood?

They say that family will always be one's pillar of support. It is also said that family will cheer you on in times of need and that they'll also be there to lend you a listening ear. My family, you all asked, and I can give you no answer.

No, do not be mistaken. My family is not broken. It's just that we lack this important drift called communication.

Everything started to go awry for me since after my term test for year 2.1, leaving still relatively affected by it. Now, my family is suffering the aftermath of it due to my incompetency and inability to handle my situation well. When things started to go wrong, my first idea of support and aid was to seek help from my friends. It wasn't my family, it wasn't my parents. Little wonder too for it was taught to me since young that "I should solve my own problems and not rely on other's capacity." This statement is true, for I am on my own when I'm facing my own troubles. That's why, since young, I've never consulted with my parents on my problems for fear that they'll condemn me. (If memory serves me correct, they did condemn me, that's why I'd rather seek external help.)

However, they blamed it on me for not seeking help from them immediately after they pry into my life. However, I did not tell them the true crux of the matter. When I even decided to sit down and talk to them about my decision to go onto a new faith, they started giving me some mumbo jumbo. Still there are still some sense in their point of view. However, it is in my point of view that sometimes their type of thinking is not suited in this era in life. Yet, who am I to fault them for growing up in a post war era? Sometimes I even tried to be considerate about the fact and actually go along with it. Yet, they never seem to notice. Being thrifty is a virtue, that's true. However, are you able to bring the money into afterlife? Ya, I know, more money means better life. Nowadays, material needs and wants have no appeal to me other than food and IT stuffs. (Haha, that's for another day.)

Ya, perhaps in a way, I am defiant to my parents. Sometimes, I wish they can understand that now I'm facing a crisis that I thought I could not handle, however I'm still coping by. By being so critical about me all the time nowadays really isn't making things better or easier for me at all. It's not like I don't want to heed them or anything, it's just that there are times I want to do things my way. Even though it might fail, but hey, I'll not regret it at the very least. You know what really pisses me off badly? They always say that: "Look, we are your parents. At the very least you could do is not to doubt us. We will never harm you in anyway. We are really disappointed in you thinking that we bring harm to you." I mean F***! Look, just because I do things my way means that I doubt their abilities and wisdom? Heck no! What stupid logic is this? I really wished that at the very least, even if they couldn't understand my intentions, at least give me the support.

Take for example. I want to buy a present for a friend. Well, so what if it's overly priced? I mean well, one of the reasons I went back to working part time during the school holidays was to get the cash for this. Yet, my mum complains about it. Well ya, friendship isn't determined by cash and monetary value. That I very well understand. What I hope to achieve here is not because I want to show off to my friend that I am loaded or something. It's rather that I want to buy it for my friend because I feel that it's really worth it. Even if one day my friend might turn back on me. Furthermore, my mum did say that this holiday's earnings I get to spend it as I deem fit. If she says so, then why? Why interfere? I understand her intentions that I might get hurt in the end or be on a bad stand or situation.

Seriously, they tell me to start acting my age. Fine. When I start acting like they age group I should be in, they make another big fuss out of it. So which one should I go now? Be like a big childish oaf or go acting like my age group?

I think I'll start fasting ya.. Once the school starts. How should I do it? 7am to 7pm? That'll be good. At least can slim down. Wahaha. Do it for 15 days.

Try it out!

Had the luck of Lissa sending me this game. Quite fun.

Personal Ratings: 4/5

Sushi Go Round Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

Hmm. Trying day, quite worth the while. Haha.

After a break of 3 long days, finally went back to work. My lazybones were screaming at me, I swear. Dragged myself all the way from Tampines to Harbour Front. So so darn tired. Lucky me though, See Kia wasn't around for that day's shift. THANK GOD! Ah Hao was there. Things started out pretty rough for me cuz I was still in the holiday mood. LoL. But lucky I went. Hehe, managed to catch a glimpse of the elusive Clover. Working in HFC for about 5 weeks and like this is the first time seeing her? LoL. Cute girl though. Worth it, it was worth chionging work that day. XD

Hey hey, my birthday's coming real soon.. 21st October. Yahahaha.