The hardest thing in the world..

The hardest thing about letting go, is always the letting go itself. In life, I will not deny that we have to leave certain things behind just to move forward. It really hurts. I'm really sick of all these advancements. You advance, start on your advancement, then later stop on what you're doing and then move on again. What's the point?

School's great!

After the mentally draining 7 weeks long holidays, I'm finally back in school. Amen~ However it seems much to the fact that I really really hated my timetable. So much breaks in between... I wonder where have my strong faith disappear to. It seems that my will gets weaker by the day. I couldn't get a hold of myself even after a prayer. The only thing that seems to work is only keeping myself preoccupied. However, if this keeps up, I might just cutting myself again.. I really developed a strong taste for seeing blood in the past 2 days..

My guardian! Go forth!

A few days have passed since my birthday. Truly, I have grown older, kudos to physical attributes anyway. Psychologically, I still feel as vulnerable as a 3 years old kid does. A journey of finding my true self had revealed things to me that I already knew but forgotten. Alas, I realised the factor that sought my memories of self-conscious to be erase. The hurt that wrenched pain true into my heart and into the very fine lines of my soul.

I acknowledged the fact that our acquaintances would only last for a short 7 months. Yet, in my heart, I’ve known for a fact that you are the only true friend that I can ever have. Yes, for you are my brother. Happiness surged with the bitter bubbles of dread as you have acknowledged me, for I have much anticipated the dreaded future. Truth can be predicted if one can embrace the maledictions and negativity in life. I was one made to be such. Scorn was my way of life, being cynical was like breathing, and pessimism was simply the truth. All were true, until the day I met you. I would say that initially I had a distaste for you. The stronger me back then, saw you as someone pathetic, as a miserable scholar without control with his emotions, as a technical failure in life.

I had a goal, that is to achieve my diploma and being able to enter biomedical science. Of all things, why biomedical science? I am a practical person. I have carried a façade of being clear-minded with a good goal for too long a time. Frankly as to speak, my decision to enter biomedical science during my university days was simply because of my strong desire to live a high life. I always had the capabilities to lead, the capabilities to get things done and often accountable. Yet, since young, I’ve already seen through the disgusting truth about adults and their way of politics.

It doesn’t matter whether you have the capabilities of a great leader or not, one thing is definite for sure, you are GOD when you hold power. I often shine in my primary school days back when I was in Boon Keng. However, my achievements were often ignored. A daughter of the School’s Director, a wonderful and pure maiden, so talented, so intelligent was often the crux of the teachers’ conversation. I was often on par with her. We so constantly alternate the top two positions in class. Yet, I am often ignored. Why?

Truth dawned on me when I was in my primary 4. A stray conversation caught my attention. “…Of course what, she’s the director’s daughter, of course will get anything la!” In order to gain due recognition, I must first attain the power. Since on, I often befriended myself to figures of authorities. Backing myself up by someone of adequate power, it’s just one strategy. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t just stop there. I often backstab people just to achieve my ultimate goals. It’s the same thing I did to get myself out of troubles.

Since then, I’ve sold my soul to the dark lord and manipulated hearts of many as a capable yet “easy to bully” fat kid. Things began to change for me since I entered my secondary 1 year. Life began to taste sweeter, when I met my first buddy. Yup, you’ve guessed it, it’s –hy– (tada~). His ability to stay strong in his righteous beliefs kept me in awe. Quiet and reserved, I initially thought that I can make him my lackey (-hy- so sorry!). Still, when I got to know him better, realisation began to dawn me. So what if I am being ignored all the time? So what if I do not get power and the gold? He sparked the hidden angel within in me, the inner man whom wished to treasure and enjoy life without restriction. For the first time in a long while, I had finally smile without hiding my true feelings.

Ah yes, -hy- was the first who opened my enclosed heart. Technically as to speak, he was the first knight. The very saviour I’ve met. My knight, my confidante and my adviser.

Yet, he wasn’t as unique as the one who opened my heart thoroughly and freed the true one within me. To the one who truly opened me up, thank you. Though I’m unable to let go of this past and all of it’s memories. I’m still grateful, grateful for having you acknowledging me as a brother, as an equal. For he is the one who proves me wrong in all aspects of life I thought otherwise.

Go forth my guardian! Ride the winds and soar! Be one with the sky and blast your way through the obstacles in life. For you are the Albatross, flying high and mighty above the sea. Through the storm, you’ll find the peace in the lands and the joy of abundance!

My very first video!

Check it out!

Why is it so easy to be misunderstood?

They say that family will always be one's pillar of support. It is also said that family will cheer you on in times of need and that they'll also be there to lend you a listening ear. My family, you all asked, and I can give you no answer.

No, do not be mistaken. My family is not broken. It's just that we lack this important drift called communication.

Everything started to go awry for me since after my term test for year 2.1, leaving still relatively affected by it. Now, my family is suffering the aftermath of it due to my incompetency and inability to handle my situation well. When things started to go wrong, my first idea of support and aid was to seek help from my friends. It wasn't my family, it wasn't my parents. Little wonder too for it was taught to me since young that "I should solve my own problems and not rely on other's capacity." This statement is true, for I am on my own when I'm facing my own troubles. That's why, since young, I've never consulted with my parents on my problems for fear that they'll condemn me. (If memory serves me correct, they did condemn me, that's why I'd rather seek external help.)

However, they blamed it on me for not seeking help from them immediately after they pry into my life. However, I did not tell them the true crux of the matter. When I even decided to sit down and talk to them about my decision to go onto a new faith, they started giving me some mumbo jumbo. Still there are still some sense in their point of view. However, it is in my point of view that sometimes their type of thinking is not suited in this era in life. Yet, who am I to fault them for growing up in a post war era? Sometimes I even tried to be considerate about the fact and actually go along with it. Yet, they never seem to notice. Being thrifty is a virtue, that's true. However, are you able to bring the money into afterlife? Ya, I know, more money means better life. Nowadays, material needs and wants have no appeal to me other than food and IT stuffs. (Haha, that's for another day.)

Ya, perhaps in a way, I am defiant to my parents. Sometimes, I wish they can understand that now I'm facing a crisis that I thought I could not handle, however I'm still coping by. By being so critical about me all the time nowadays really isn't making things better or easier for me at all. It's not like I don't want to heed them or anything, it's just that there are times I want to do things my way. Even though it might fail, but hey, I'll not regret it at the very least. You know what really pisses me off badly? They always say that: "Look, we are your parents. At the very least you could do is not to doubt us. We will never harm you in anyway. We are really disappointed in you thinking that we bring harm to you." I mean F***! Look, just because I do things my way means that I doubt their abilities and wisdom? Heck no! What stupid logic is this? I really wished that at the very least, even if they couldn't understand my intentions, at least give me the support.

Take for example. I want to buy a present for a friend. Well, so what if it's overly priced? I mean well, one of the reasons I went back to working part time during the school holidays was to get the cash for this. Yet, my mum complains about it. Well ya, friendship isn't determined by cash and monetary value. That I very well understand. What I hope to achieve here is not because I want to show off to my friend that I am loaded or something. It's rather that I want to buy it for my friend because I feel that it's really worth it. Even if one day my friend might turn back on me. Furthermore, my mum did say that this holiday's earnings I get to spend it as I deem fit. If she says so, then why? Why interfere? I understand her intentions that I might get hurt in the end or be on a bad stand or situation.

Seriously, they tell me to start acting my age. Fine. When I start acting like they age group I should be in, they make another big fuss out of it. So which one should I go now? Be like a big childish oaf or go acting like my age group?

I think I'll start fasting ya.. Once the school starts. How should I do it? 7am to 7pm? That'll be good. At least can slim down. Wahaha. Do it for 15 days.

Try it out!

Had the luck of Lissa sending me this game. Quite fun.

Personal Ratings: 4/5

Sushi Go Round Serve all the customers in the Sushi Restaurant

Play this free game now!!

Hmm. Trying day, quite worth the while. Haha.

After a break of 3 long days, finally went back to work. My lazybones were screaming at me, I swear. Dragged myself all the way from Tampines to Harbour Front. So so darn tired. Lucky me though, See Kia wasn't around for that day's shift. THANK GOD! Ah Hao was there. Things started out pretty rough for me cuz I was still in the holiday mood. LoL. But lucky I went. Hehe, managed to catch a glimpse of the elusive Clover. Working in HFC for about 5 weeks and like this is the first time seeing her? LoL. Cute girl though. Worth it, it was worth chionging work that day. XD

Hey hey, my birthday's coming real soon.. 21st October. Yahahaha.

God, hear my cry. Let me reach for Your Strength and Wisdom!

Today, I've felt sinned in many ways. I've felt the extremes of emotions. I'm feeling stuck at a junction. Lost, confused and needing a motivation.

I've finally met the guy that made friends with me over Frenster. He's called Chip. Nonetheless, I've chatted long before we met over MSN a long while ago. I've got to know that he's a Bi. As mentioned in my past entries, I was unsure of my sexual orientation. Now, thanks to him, I finally know what I am. I'm a perfectly normal guy. Yay~

The outing started off with me meeting Chip outside S&K at TM. We bought snacks at level B1 before buying tickets for "Mr Woodcock" at GV. We entered the cinema at about 6.50pm and the show started way past 7.05pm. I was having a blast till 8.22pm, when Chip held my right hand. I was shocked. (To the point whereby I started shivering, the air-con contributed to the shivering too..) His hands were soft yet authoritative. I actually felt safe with him holding my hand for just awhile. This was when I started my prayer to the Lord. I managed to regain a little bit of common sense to excuse myself to the toilet to commit myself to a full prayer for the Lord's strength and wisdom.

Just as I exit the toilet and head back to the cinema, I thought it would create a tension and he would behave himself again. Nonetheless, upon settling down, he reached for my hand again. This time, his thumb was rubbing in a circular motion to my thumb. I felt a sense of calmness, weirdly enough. My senses jolted back when he started to stroke my right arm. I tried to reject he come-ons. However, as mentioned, he was authoritative.

Nonetheless, the emotions I've felt was rather interesting in a way. I feel him being someone familiar, as if I've met him before. His scent reminds of someone I knew well but I don't remember who. When he held my hands, and if I were to be an idiot like Shu Hui, it would have felt like a father holding his son. Gentle, yet protective. Sighs. If only he wasn't a Bi, I would have like to have him for a brother. Sighs.

Stay strong!

Sometimes moving on in a particular Faith group or Religion is difficult for some, when especially there are people who are unable to withstand hypocriticism. I don't think that virtues that are exhibited by pious people are hypocritical, for virtues can be nurtured. Though the mindset is not there, but once things fall into place, God will take control and lets everything runs it's full course.

Nonetheless, we as humans can only sit back and watch. Ugly as it sounds, we are merely pawns in a chess-game. However, unlike the real chess, God has given us something better, He gave us the power to control over our lives for the whole period that we live. Have Faith and forge on friends..

Jia you buddy!

I'm so sick today la.. Nonetheless I went down to CentrePoint Mall in Orchard, why you ask.. Sighz, to support a friend lor. He ar, sad sia... I always thought this guy quite independent and street-wise de. However, seeing someone he likes, he just turned into a total moron. Sian lor. Still have to go down to CentrePoint's Coffee Bean there to support him sia. Then you know what, he still go buy strepsils, liang cha (herbal tea) and a get well card for the girl.. How sweet right?

I've been thinking how sudden infatuation with another person can result in irrational decisions by some people. (Oh btw, I was trying to act like an ignoramus with the above paragraph... So Singaporean.. XD) Sometimes, I just wonder, why do people do stupid things when they are infatuated with someone but only to realize later that it's only an infatuation and not love.

So coming back into topic, then what is real love? Is it really all that irrational? Or is there logic behind? Personally, I did mention something about my own personal opinion what true love is in one of the previous blogs. Yet now I wonder, is it really that big a deal to fall head over heels over someone? Well, I do get envious seeing couples on the streets. Nonetheless, I think I'm beginning to really enjoy being a single bachelor nowadays. No commitments, no restrictions and no restraints. I guess it's pretty much on which phase in life we all are at to decide what we want most in time.

*Notice notice*

I've created a main page for my blog.

http://ultimate-black-diamond.biz.ly

For all out there that linked or tagged me, please change it to the above address instead.

A truly inspiring anime movie..

I was watching "Shinchan - The Adult Empire Strikes Back". I have always been a fan of Shinchan and will forever be. This anime is often misinterpreted as Ecchi, Hentai and Shouta Ai. I strongly disagree. Yes, the creator does in fact uses some unorthodox methods to allow his manga and anime works capture attention, yet the moral of the story is often pure and simple.

This movie once again revolves around our young heroes and namely Shinchan. In order to prevent some psychopath couple from turning back time into the 20th century, it's up to Shinchan and gang (namely friends and family) to be up for the task.

1st message: We all need friends. No matter how enigmatic, erratic or loner one may be, we all need friends. This, we must open our hearts to try new things.

2nd message: Family is just as important. No matter how much we can quarrel within a family, perhaps even hate each other. It's only a matter of time before you realize that in fact, you love everyone in it. In times of need, true kinship will then surface.

3rd message: It's important to move forward. No matter how nostalgic the past is, we can no longer be a part of it. It's is all part and parcel of life, and in seeking the future, there will be revolution and leading to the improvements of society.

All the time, there will be animes out there that have good artwork but a weak and pathetic storyline. Rare gems like Shinchan are hard to come by. True that Shinchan relies pretty much on simple drawings and sketches, however it is more important that there is a true and meaningful message to the anime.

We, as human beings, are born to learn till the very end. Don't you agree?

Very irrelevant post...

Woo hoo... It's coming!! IT'S COMING!!!

Well, it's been awhile since I've blog.. Okay la, maybe only 5 days only la. But hey, I'm a typing junkie. What to do? I've well overseas lately to this extremely large nation. Wanna know where? It's called procrastination. Lol. Sighs. Everything's been a deadknot. Nothing ever moves at this point in time. However, I trust that the Lord has plans for everything and this is part of His great plan. Slyvester shared a rather insightful phrase from the bible with a few people (whom exactly, I do not know).

"... and my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."-Phil 4:19

The faith will be built on my believe for the Lord and the trust for Him. That's why, I'll hold on with His strength and wisdom till He decides to move on with the next phase of His plans for me.

Oh ho ho ho... My birthday's nearing too.. 21st October.. To you guys out there: "*Hint hint..*"

Trading the Greater for the Lesser.. Why have I been doing that for the past few years?

http://www.enewhope.org/video/index.php?video=492

I had the luck of Sly sending me a hyperlink to a Church Service. I guess it really didn't matter to which church I'm at. All services are the same everywhere I guess, spreading the Words of God. Nonetheless, services are supposedly to teach people out there the values of the Lord as well as the promises the Lord gave to us. What I worry the most is me backsliding again. Nonetheless, I feel that the results will be different this time round. This time round, I really want to do it badly, or let me rephrase this, I need to do it.

Like the case study in video, God gave me a birthright like everyone else. That is Salvation. Well, I guess I have been too quick on seeking a short term solution every time that resulted me in backsliding. I've tried to talk to my parents about my decision and my Dad gave me the cynical look all the way. So what if they do not believe it, so long that in my heart I believe and hold the faith, I seriously feel that I do not need to prove anything to anybody. So, this time round, I'm holding fast to this birthright of mine and fighting for it.

WHY IN TARNATION?!

Am I really associated with Shizuru so much? I dun wanna be a gay.. T_T

Your Gemstone is Amethyst

Dignified, impressive, and wise. You have a deeply spiritual soul

What Gemstone Are You?

My Japanese Name is..

Your Japanese Name Is...

Shouta Kaoin

What's your Japanese Name?

Yet Another Very Random Survey.. =_="

I'm no Dog.. XD

You Are A Loyal Sidekick

While you aren't the most visable one in your group... You're always up for a good time or conversation And you stick with your friends no matter what You may feel underappreciated - but it only seems that way!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Another Very Random Survey..

Oh ho ho? Am I to be Shizuru Viola? XD Crapperz.. I'd rather by Shizuru Fujino..

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

Very Random Survey.. O_O"

Never did I expect to have such comments..

You Scored a 70% which means you are a ....

Sincere Lover. You are such a total sweetheart people have a hard time taking you seriously. Sadly, because you are so sincere and sweet you get walked all over. Try to hold your ground a little bit and beware of the selfish lover. The feed off of sincere lovers like yourself. Even though you get used and abused a lot you still have a heart of gold.

What kind of lover are you
Take More Quizzes

Goodness.. Ashley Tisdale rocks..

From the really bitchy girl saboteur from High School Musicals, to the grown up lady of astounding musical talents and looks. Ashley Tisdale had simply mortified me to my toes when I saw her "He said, She said" MV. She had completely transformed from the ugly duckling into babelicious. XD

How nice would it be if many things had gone well for me..

Sighs.. It has been a tormenting week for me yet again. Pressure had came and set itself onto me and I broke down twice. Kinda sucked when everyone whose trying to help you the best they can and you cannot pull yourself together. I've felt the Lord Himself. However, things are not really going well now with me and my parents. There are simply too many things I don't want to tell them.. Now that they've cornered me, I'm left with no choice cause my freedom's at stake here. I'll give them answers, but not the whole picture. If my first Son to Father talk works out, then gradually I'll reveal various issues to him. Sighz, if only things did not happened to me and technically battered me to such an extent. Man.. My legs are starting to cramp real bad.. Sleep I need and now sleep I will get.. Time to snooze now.. Be right back. Haha..